The Fear of Prayer

My friend says that any fear that does not lead me to be closer to God is NOT from God.


Sometimes I stay away from prayer and devotion because I know what will be asked of me. And that is all of me.

The truth is that I am attached to the things in this world. It is hard to explain. Perhaps that is why I am open to the religious life. There, I make a vow of poverty and am allowed to pray and worship without wondering if there is any attachment. I'm sure there may be some residual attachment, but God willing, that would be removed.

Where's this coming from? God, glory be to God, answered my prayer for a Navarre Bible, the New Testament extended-commentary version. It is very expensive. And I began to play with questions in my mind: is it okay to spend this much on a book? Is it sinful? I figured it wasn't; it was published by a Catholic University after all. THEY set the price...

So why the scrupulosity? Because I can give that money to charity, buy food, save it, donate, etc. And I began to question all my other purchases: music equipment, devotional pictures, crucifixes, pocket prayer books, etc. And I began to realize that it's all really only worth anything if it leads me, and others, to God.

I have decided in my mind that when I am done with it, all of it, I will give it away. If I am to be successful with the music ministry, if I should create a music studio, a label, etc. that I will leave it in the hands of others. They will carry it on for me. For it is not mine; it does not belong to me. My personal music equipment will be given to a church (probably St. Augustine's). My books to a library. Clothes to either a thrift store or an outreach ministry...maybe Catholic Worker.

If I have a family, then I will provide for them and make sure they have all they need to acquire an excellent education in the faith.

Basically, I just want to USE what I am blessed with as the means to the end, who is God.

I've digressed.

Why the fear of prayer? Because I know it will lead me to detachment from the world. I will truly become a pilgrim, whether I am married or not. And why am I afraid of that?

Because I don't know what it will be like.

With the world, with life, a job, etc. you at least know what's coming. You know what to expect. But I don't know what it's like to be detached. I don't know what it feels like to be at peace...

And there's a root problem. It is distrust. It is the unknown. It is jumping off the diving board 316 feet high. Theoretically, you know there's water, living water to jump into. It's still a long flight.

I read from The Shack an excellent discourse from the God-character: "You do not trust Me because you do not truly know that I love you."

God means the best. And He is Love. And what is Love? Patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not rude, selfless, slow to anger, quick to mercy, compassion and forgiveness. Rejoices in all truth for Love is Truth and Jesus is the Truth. Amen.