The 21st Birthday

2 weeks ago, around the same time of day, I woke with a sense of despair and urgency. April 3rd was the of the Easter Vigil, the day of my Confirmation and first (legal) Communion, a day of joy and renewal... And I was in a state of mortal sin.

It was almost comical: the priest passes by the boy in prayer; he asks the boy about his day and the boy requests a confession. The look on the priest's face is one of humor and "are-you-serious?" Praise be to God, who is gentle and full of mercy...

- - -

I will continue the story of the Easter Vigil another day. I'd like to talk of where I am now, as a neophyte, a new Catholic.

Perhaps it's best to start with a question. Maybe you'd like to reflect on it.

What does it mean to be a Christian? What are the practical aspects of living as a Catholic, a child of God?

I wonder. Am I supposed to mention Jesus in every other word I say? Am I to become a preacher when confronted with evil? Do I cease to watch movies, cease to scour facebook? Are all my songs to sing of Jesus?

I'm 21 today. And as I once mentioned to a priest, I don't know how to live. I long for guidance and/or commands. I long for a superior, whether of an order or as a layperson, to tell me what to do and what may be acceptable.

Do you think to yourself, "It's for us to decide. God gave us free will?" But I am more than willing to admit, left to my own devices, I will either drive myself off a cliff or into a clock, transforming myself into another gear, fit to keep the minutes ticking while I live a life of vanity and purposelessness. And THAT is an easy trap.

I long for adventure and meaning.

Like an infant learning to walk, I see my brothers running and try to imitate them. But my legs are weak, my attention sporadic, and I'm really hungry.

So today, I'm going to try to relax. I'll try to breathe and enjoy the situation God has allowed me to be in. And I'll try to give Him thanks. Today, God willing, will be a beautiful day.